Reid Kerr

The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived.

No, not “NBA Incomprehensible Trade Season.” I’m talking about the Super Bowl.

Since the game is the social event of the year, the fine folks in Las Vegas want to make sure you have an opportunity to lose money every step of the way with what they call “prop bets.” These are wagers designed to pull in both longtime degenerate gamblers, and casual fans who are only in it for the commercials, halftime, injuries, and the like. And there are some interesting bets for this year’s game.

Coin Flip: This is -105 either way, which means to win 100 bucks, you have to wager 105. This is the wager I always use to explain to people how gambling works. The coin toss is a simple 50-50 proposition, right? Because of the odds on this one, if you bet 105 and lose, you’re out a hundred-and-five bucks. If you win, you win a hundred. So if the odds are even and the bets balance out, the house still gets their cut. The house always wins, which is why casinos are built in shiny new buildings, and not usually located in abandoned Walmarts.

Super Bowl LIX Total Number of Points Scored: The over/under here is set at 48.5, which means the choice is whether or not both teams will combine to score 48 or fewer points, or 49 or more. This is not a wager I usually make because there are way too many random things that could happen. Injuries, special teams plays, kickers choking, full stadium blackouts, etc. I’d lean to the over in this one.

Length of the National Anthem (Over/Under 120.5 seconds): This is another one we see every year, how long will the anthem take? My personal wagering concierge Formerly Fat Tony has informed me that Jon Batiste did the anthem in exactly 120 seconds at the 2017 NBA All-Star Game, but under two minutes at the U.S. Open that same year. That is some next level scouting, I’ll tell you.

Kendrick Lamar’s First Song at Halftime: I have no clue. Let’s face it, I’m a mid-50’s white guy. I feel like I should like Kendrick Lamar and I will tell you I do, but I don’t really have any idea. And if I had strong feelings one way or the other, it would be weird. So bet your heart here, but I’m not much help. I would wager that he’s not going to open with a cover of “Come On Eileen,” but that’s all I can say.

Gatorade Color for the Winning Coach: This one has been a staple ever since the first Gatorade bath in 1986. How it stays a fair bet, I have no idea since it seems like the guys on the sideline choose the color to dump, and Equipment Managers could probably use a couple of extra bucks to tip off Vegas while they’re mixing it up. I’ll take yellow/green/lime, since it seems like the colors of the two teams. And by the way, why are Gatorade and Mountain Dew the only beverages we allow to not have flavors? They only have colors, which is weird.

Will Travis Kelce propose to Taylor Swift?: Betting “yes” correctly here could multiply your cash eightfold, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. The NFL wouldn’t want to be upstaged on their big event, although they might ask the couple to pop the question during a preseason game next year for the ratings boost.

Will there be an “octopus?”: I’m sure many of you are asking what the heck I’m talking about here, because this is just a term for something we’ve decided to make up. They’ve started calling it an “octopus” when a player scores a touchdown, then also scores the ensuing two-point conversion. Betting “Yes” is +1200 here, while betting no is -2500. The thinking on this one is Jalen Hurts and the Brotherly Shove might score a short TD, then call the same almost-unstoppable play again for two, but I wouldn’t take those odds.

Will the Chiefs lead by more than 14 points at any given time?: Betting yes correctly is at +225, but I don’t remember the last time the Chiefs led anybody by two touchdowns. 2022 maybe? I wouldn’t take that one.

Will DeVonta Smith have more receiving yards than Giannis Antetokounmpo will have in combined rebounds, points, and assists?: I only bring this wager up because if you seriously consider these kinds of cross-sport bets, you may need to enroll in a 12-step program. Or maybe even 13 steps. Anyone who’s putting that kind of math into their recreation needs some help.

And of course, the big one.

Super Bowl LIX — Kansas City (-1.5) vs Philadelphia: This is a tough one. The Eagles seem to have the edge at most positions on the field, with the obvious exception of the most important one. Philly is better across both sides of the line, which I actually have Google Alerts set up to remind me to look for in the playoffs. That rushing game is almost unstoppable. But then again, it’s Mahomes. It’s Andy Reid. They know what they’re doing. The coaching edge is huge here.

Pick: Eagles to win it outright. And I hope I’m wrong.

I’ll also take Saquon Barkley to not rush for a hundred yards, Travis Kelce to have at least one touchdown, and for Eli Manning to get in the Hall of Fame next season. Good luck everybody.